Two Cents on Mrs. and Mrs. Lohan

While I wish I could say I'm the type to read The New Yorker or other publications of elevated thought, I admit, I'm much more likely to check the People.com feed on my home page before I check the CNN feed.

It's a new feeling for me to see the top People.com stories are about Ellen and Portia's wedding or about how well Lindsay Lohan is doing now because of her relationship with Samantha Ronson. Instead of hearing that homosexuality is the deterioration of society and how same sex marriage will lead to polygamy, beastiality, and trisexualism, America is treated to some of the first positive media coverage for gay relationships I have ever seen.

I wish that I could say the same positive, uplifting reporting would be used if Ricky Martin or Clay Aiken were in either Lindsay's or Ellen's shoes. And I've got $50 on Ricky Martin owning at least one pair of stilletos.

While women who are gay seem to hurt the eyes of conservative Christians less, men wouldn't blend so easily, I think. Gay men are instinctually emasculated by the majority of America still. And I, like, totally understand that, girlfriend. So what's it going to take to show em we're not all Little Richard?

Sadly, if Ricky and Clay decided to go public, the outcome of their outtage would be slightly different. For Ricky, radio would be playing his songs all over again, but changing the titles. "He Bangs," or "Livin' La Vida Loca (the extra-gay dance mix)."

And as soon as Clay decides to step out, that'll be... well, that just won't be a surprise for anyone. In fact, has he already come out?

But it is encouraging to see Lindsey and Ellen still have careers after being open about being gay. Although Clay and Ricky might not be on the A List now, Ellen has a feisty morning show and a thousand Daytime Emmys, and Lindsay keeps making terrible movies. Terrible movies which amasses her terrible amounts of dough. But hey, work what you got, honey -- Oh sorry, right... Let me rephrase: But you know what I am saying. Take advantage of your assets and turn it into profit, Lindsay. Ah, now maybe Republicans can love me.



(Penis.)