Starbucks Love Triangle

It's still strange when girls flirt with me. It always makes me think to myself: "Aw, sweetie. You're just barking up the wrong tree." It's a strange, but sadly entertaining, scene to watch unfold. Here was Friday:

I walk out of my house around 1:00pm. I haven't exactly polished up for the day ahead of me. So looking as scruffy as a gay man can, I guess (read: I may not have shaved, but my breath is minty fresh), I decide to actually get out of the house and go get coffee.

So I paused Budo: The Art of Killing, and left to get caffinated.

Starbucks employees come in all flavors. The emo girl. The androgenous boy. The over-weight-over-confident high school senior. And sometimes the manager who walks around trying to get things done while dodging his own over-caffinated, generation Y employees.

My barista with the unfortunate misconception that I might be interested in her beamed at me when I ordered. She laughed at another barista's (actually it was a guy, so... barist..er?) jokes which I couldn't hear. I don't think a joke has ever been so funny. While she laughed at the funniest thing she had ever heard and proved to me she was having the time of her life, I inched my debit card closer to her hand.

She was so happy for some reason, when I walked over to pick up my drink, I couldn't help but wink slightly at the I-don't-know-I'm-gay-yet, high school-aged, barister. Why? I'm not really sure. But I do remember thinking as I left that it would have been awesome if he giddily told his tragically mistaken fellow Starbucker that "that guy" had winked at him. And then her seeing the error of her hilarious ways.

Why Your Girlfriends Love Me

It's not because I'm just "one of the girls." Let's get that straight right off. Well, not too straight.

No, gay men do not pick up on your girlfriends -- better than you did the first time -- because they are in touch with their feminine side. Which not all of us are, believe me. Some of the
guys who expect to get laid out there need to get in touch with their inner 'dainty' before they plan on being touched by another guy. I'm talking Peter Jackson looking boys.

There are probably many reasons you suck at being a boyfriend, but let's nail down three reasons why she loves us more than you for the benefit of your girlfriend, you, and (yes) for me, too.

We love chick flicks
Why don't you see the opportunity? Instead of calling you when she wants to watch The Notebook, she calls me. When she wants to watch Pretty Woman, she calls me. When she's really wanting to get emotional and in touch with her feelings, the sad thing is, you don't realize what an opportunity it is for you to get a piece. So she and I pop some popcorn and talk about you all night.

We dance.
Girls love to dance. They'd rather be dancing with you. But instead of dancing, you do the white boy bobble and wait for her to back it up on you. Have you ever tried 'backing it up' on someone? Not a great dance experience if that's all you can do because your boyfriend is a double lefty.

This is why girls end up dancing in a circle with one another. But even girls don't always want to dance with other girls. If you're not dancing with her, she's going to be looking at the other boys in the room. Even if the boy is gay, at least she can avoid looking too lesbo by two-stepping with the nearest queer. I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to be trapped in one of those estrogen circles dancing up front with the DJ all night either. For more than one reason.

We aren't competition
For everything a girl loves about her friends, there are three more things she's jealous of. The good news about your girlfriend hanging out with me is that she won't be having any kind of sex with me. I promise.

The bad news for you is that when you want to hang out with her, she's backing it up on me out on the dance floor. But sadly, the bad news for me is that she's backing it up on me out on the dance floor.

Use Your Inside Voice in Sex Shops

Risky Business is the movie where Tom Cruise dances around in his underwear. Frisky Business is the shop off of Highway 70 in Raleigh that sells edible underwear. But other than the name and the underwear, the two have--sadly--nothing else in common. I have to admit, I would be interested in a Tom Cruise blow up doll. The life size cut out of him I have can hurt.

My dear friend Michelle is an expert in her own right, and when I over heard a discussion of sex shops, I made sure to butt my way into the conversation. Frisky Business was having a huge sale on a particular line of products. For the sake of privacy, let's just say it was leather and flogs. Because that's what it was.

If you haven't visited Cherry Pie on 15/501 in Chapel Hill, I highly recommend you stop by. But if you're near Raleigh, I fully suggest a trip to Frisky Business. The layout is less sketchy than even Cherry Pie (meaning less dark corners).

Michelle went to the sale sextion, and I went on the hunt for the Fleshlight. I had heard tales of the legend of the Fleshlight. You heard me. It was that serious. Apparently the best thing out there. Sketchily enough, they had a few of the black, flashlight-shaped toy wrapped in clear plastic bags. The top was folded over and stapled. To keep things more sanitary??

I have to admit, as a gay guy, buying sex toys with women lustily gazing out at me isn't exactly a purchase incentive for me. But at least those toys had a box! This thing was wrapped like a bag of peanuts bought from a roadside stand.

Michelle pulled me away from my slow, reluctant decision making to discuss her finds. We eventually started discussing some strategies and even discussed the male "g-spot." It wasn't a problem until I spoke. As loud as my voice is, I have an equally uncanny ability to not realize exactly how loud I am.

I believe the unfortunate sentence that did it this time was, "But you see, the female asshole--"

And one isle over, the only other person in Risky Business let out a loud "Pfftt--" a poor excuse to cover up a laugh.

I grabbed Michelle, pulled her back to get the Fleshlight, and went to check out in shame.

The butch lady behind the counter rang up the purchase and set a miniature zip lock bag of cocaine on the counter beside my purchase.

"It's not coke," she said watching my face. "It's corn starch to keep the toy clean."

"Oh. Awesome."

Of course I took advantage of the joke and hinted that I would have been pleasantly surprised if they were giving away complimentary g's of nose candy. Too easy of a joke, yes. But again, at this point, I'm not extremely comfortable in these sex stores. This was only my second time. So you'll have to let that one slide.

"You know this comes in different molds," she said before she took my card.

"You could get the mouth, the pussy, or the ass. In Mocha or Pink. This one is," she said as she fiddled with the tag, "Pink Butt.

"Do you want that one? We can get you the pussy, " she said assuming I was straight. "Or Mocha Mouth. Or Mocha Butt," she rattled off in a ridiculous tone. Like, Guess what? Chicken-Butt!

I stopped her in the middle of her Chick-Butt sales pitch: "Oh no, I'm totally gay. I wanted Pink Butt."

Plus the fake mouth completely creeped me out. Bluh.

Two Cents on Mrs. and Mrs. Lohan

While I wish I could say I'm the type to read The New Yorker or other publications of elevated thought, I admit, I'm much more likely to check the People.com feed on my home page before I check the CNN feed.

It's a new feeling for me to see the top People.com stories are about Ellen and Portia's wedding or about how well Lindsay Lohan is doing now because of her relationship with Samantha Ronson. Instead of hearing that homosexuality is the deterioration of society and how same sex marriage will lead to polygamy, beastiality, and trisexualism, America is treated to some of the first positive media coverage for gay relationships I have ever seen.

I wish that I could say the same positive, uplifting reporting would be used if Ricky Martin or Clay Aiken were in either Lindsay's or Ellen's shoes. And I've got $50 on Ricky Martin owning at least one pair of stilletos.

While women who are gay seem to hurt the eyes of conservative Christians less, men wouldn't blend so easily, I think. Gay men are instinctually emasculated by the majority of America still. And I, like, totally understand that, girlfriend. So what's it going to take to show em we're not all Little Richard?

Sadly, if Ricky and Clay decided to go public, the outcome of their outtage would be slightly different. For Ricky, radio would be playing his songs all over again, but changing the titles. "He Bangs," or "Livin' La Vida Loca (the extra-gay dance mix)."

And as soon as Clay decides to step out, that'll be... well, that just won't be a surprise for anyone. In fact, has he already come out?

But it is encouraging to see Lindsey and Ellen still have careers after being open about being gay. Although Clay and Ricky might not be on the A List now, Ellen has a feisty morning show and a thousand Daytime Emmys, and Lindsay keeps making terrible movies. Terrible movies which amasses her terrible amounts of dough. But hey, work what you got, honey -- Oh sorry, right... Let me rephrase: But you know what I am saying. Take advantage of your assets and turn it into profit, Lindsay. Ah, now maybe Republicans can love me.



(Penis.)

Virgin Rings Are Not Chastity Belts

This pregnant Palin has been making me think more. Two key figures of the Republican party (Palin, and current VP Dick Cheney) have children who are either porking out of wedlock or gay -- And these are the two foremost leaders promoting "abstinence education" and a gay marriage ban? In the midst of all of this irony, it had me thinking of role models.

Who are this generation's role models? Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. I'm not even opening that one up for debate. That's just the answer.

All of whom wear Virgin Rings. You know, the I'm-not-porking-until-marriage rings. This is awesome. I don't really think too many teenagers should be doing the dandy. That's what college is for. But where are our other role models?

Where is the brave role model for the other 98% of teens who don't actually consider abstinence as an option? Where was Christina Aguilera when she was breaking it off on her groupies?

What a great time to do a condom commercial. Show your loyal followers how pregnancy is a mistake when you're 17. Yes. Sarah Palin's daughter's baby is a mistake. And X-Tina is probably a great spokes person to explain how genital warts are really just not a good thing.

Half of the problem with sex is that no one will talk about it. Abstinence is great for kids. Abstinence does not mean avoiding the topic or treating sex as taboo. Clearly that doesn't work as well as intended. We now have a pregnant 17 year old from the land of Virgin Rings and a boyfriend who takes the ring thing to a whole new level. Her name, Brsitol, is tattooed on his wedding ring finger. Which, to me, just screams: I understand long term commitment!

Politics and the Importance of Oral Hygiene

.
When I think of politics, I think of the eight pound Social Studies book I carried around on my back year after year. I hated Social Studies. Never mind the fact that my English books were twice as big. That's not important. I loved English.

But politics? U.S. History? Economics? Supply and demand? Beyond the supply of pot in the area and my demand for it, I could care less about the subject. Or any of those others that don't have a clever drug reference.

But somehow you become much more invested in a subject when you're directly effected by what people are doing, banning, prohibiting, etc. within that subject. And now I know how people become invested in a political party's beliefs. Just like Republicans become the best Republicans they can be after they start making enough money, so I became the best Joel I could be when I came out.

Wait. That parallel didn't work... So I became the best Democrat I could be when I realized Republicans are bigots... no, that's not it either. Whatever.

I've Googled multiple "Pro-Family" websites (Focus on the Family, Family Research Council). I tried to weed through the sites' pleasantries to find the root of the evil, but it was so difficult with so many distractions. Conservatives have extremely white teeth! Which is why, if I'm being honest, I question Obama's choice of Joe Biden as his running mate. His teeth are curiously conservative.

Are these the teeth of a REPUBLICAN?

I read the "25 Pro-Family Policy Goals" from the Family Research Council. I actually liked a couple of things I read. The discussion of the "marriage penalty" was interesting (taxing families with a combined income of $40,000 the same as a single person with the same income). It was not interesting to me when the "Goals" laid out the following:

• Homosexuals (read like lepers) are less likely to enter long-term partnerships, less likely to be sexually faithful, and less likely to remain committed for a lifetime.

First thing's first. Committed for a lifetime? By default that would mean heterosexuals (read like kittens) are often committed for multiple lifetime[s]. Oh that's right. Heteros=Heaven=Lots of extra lives! Homos=Hell=One lifetime. Game over.

So I had a problem with this comment, which was footnoted to indicate this statement's source was reliable. Well, as they say, upon further inspection, the footnote is credited to Tim Dailey from his book, I Really Hate Those Fags. Using Dailey as a source, whose book is actually titled Dark Obsession: The Tragedy and Threat of the Homosexual Lifestyle (No, seriously, that's the title), is like crediting your dad as proof of Santa Claus. Here's why:

Dr. Timothy J. Dailey is a Senior Fellow at the Center for Marriage and Family Studies of Family Research Council (you just read the important part)...

Yeah. Nice impartial research. But much like Joe Biden's teeth, this "Pro Family" group revealed it is nothing but black and corrupt* with a shiny veneer.



_____________

* "This blog is so gay" acknowledges it cannot accurately and truthfully comment on Vice Presidential Candidate Joe Bidden's dental heath. His teeth are probably real and not dentures or anything.

Consequences of Free Speech

Before last Sunday, I would have never considered myself an activist. Actually, it's one description I've shied from since I typically think of hippies and my dreadful stint living in Carrboro, NC. But one DJ's homophobic comment flipped a switch in me.

K97.5, the local hip hop station, uses the same explosions and voice overs that you might hear on every other hip hop station, and most of their DJs sound like a typical high school dropout might. But 97.5 broadcasts a syndicated morning show hosted by Russ Parr. Switching to the Russ Parr morning show from G105.1's Bob and the Showgram wasn't a difficult switch: Redneck, truth or dare humor vs. cultural humor and the occasional political discussion... hmmm.

However, even 97.5 has to hire local DJs to cover the slow hours. And while 8:30 on a Sunday might not be primetime, it's no time for bigots to be on air.

DJ DY Nasty (hopefully an on-air persona and not his Christian name): "...But you know, don't come out like Neo y'all. I mean, keep it straight. Keep it one hundred, ya know."

By the time the DJ had shut his wind hole and started playing the latest hit from T-Pain, I felt my inner, angsty black woman shout, "Oh no he didn't!" She rarely comes out, but when she does, she's been known to get my cousin and me kicked out of a club, etc, etc.

The following is the MySpace messaging that took place between myself and the outrageously uneducated DJ DY Nasty the day after his on-air comment:

Joel:
For all the struggles black people have had to face, thanks for making it even harder for gay people by bashing Neo on air tonight. I stopped listening to 105.1 because of the comments they made about gay people. And now, the one channel I thought I could rely on, a black radio station, has done the exact same thing.

Stop contributing to the hate. You're just redirecting the hate. The enemy of my enemy if my friend, brother.

DJ DY Nasty:
Thanks for listening! Good thing we live here...everyone's opinion matters!

Joel:
You don't have an "opinion." You have a problem.

Your reply made no sense.

If your opinion is hatred. Keep it to yourself. You speak for more than just you.

You kept it 100 up to this far. Now? You're just trash.

DJ DY Nasty (unedited in any way):
Joel listen u probobly are a real cool dude a very stand up guy in what u belive in and i am also, by no meanz was i aiming at gays, u never even heard the word come out of my mouth i was speeking on the point where people should be straight, MEANING=straight up and up front with others instead of holding back thre truth it can only help all of us brotha....lies and holding back only tears is people apart, i say that to say this we live n America every 1 opinion matters even yours thanks for listening dont 4get to visit our website k975.com

Joel:
I hope all the people I emailed at k975.com believe that. You and I know full well that is not what you said.

And I lived up to my word. My emails got someone's attention. I enjoyed a nice conversation with Cy Young, the Programs Director at K97.5 the next day.